“Ching Chang-a-Ling Dong” Needs to Pee, and Other Scatological References

by dawfun

Scarecrow and Mamma Lovell were at it again this morning (driving is a privilege, women wearing sheets over their heads, sharing driver’s licenses, etc…).  Today he started making embarrassing “sounds” to mimmic the way foreign names sound to him.  He was particularly proud of “Ching Chang-a-Ling Dong” and repeated it about five times.  Mamma added a new dimension to the xenophobia by complaining about people on Welfare, and how they don’t need to take a “pee test” to get “her money”.  A brilliant and insightful woman, Mamma made these cogent points:

  • Anytime there’s money involved, you should need to take a pee test
  • If I have to take a pee test to earn my money at my job, they should have to take a pee test to receive Welfare
  • They’re getting my money, and I’m not giving it to someone who won’t take a pee test.

The Fourth Amendment comes to mind, but I’m not sure Mamma knows what that is (“weren’t they a group of soul singers in the ’60s?”)

As a reminder, Mamma is a diligent, church-going woman who reads her bible every morning, and takes pride in telling everyone how much time she spends at church as an usher and whatnot.  I’m not completely current with my understanding of the various versions of the bible, but I’m guessing Mamma is reading a “New Abridged Version”.  Equal and opposite to the Jefferson Bible (Thomas Jefferson’s attempt to strip away all the witchcraft and nonsense to reveal the “diamonds in the dunghill”–for his own private use, BTW), I imagine the “New Abridged Version” to have stripped out all of the “diamonds” and gerrymandered it’s way toward the purest heap of dung anywhere known to Man.  It makes sense, if you think about it scientifically–conservation of energy, equal and opposite reaction, etc…

Thinking about it a little more, reducing the Bible to a series of anti-Christlike talking points would certainly allow the indignant Righteous a lot more time to watch Fox News every morning.  What a benefit, to skip over the troublesome sections about caring for the sick and the poor and get right to the important stuff: homophobia, anti-semitism, wholesale slaughter of foreigners, and an abundance of smiting.  Oh, the smiting!!  You could finish reading the whole thing before your coffee got cold, then turn your attention to Fox and Friends.  That would be a really handy little tome.  Something you could carry in your jacket pocket right next to your copy of the U.S. Constitution.

I think I just found a new hobby: become the author of The Holy Bible Cliff’s Notes for Sociopathic True Believers.  Early retirement, here I come.